The Meltdown

It had been a rough day.  There had been a few disappointments.  Behavior was not typical and then he snapped.  He started yelling and then crying.   Okay, I’ll be honest it was not just the child misbehaving.  It was me. I was so frustrated and so stressed.

I’ll bet everyone can relate.  Everyone has a tipping point where their behavior crosses from acceptable to unacceptable.  If adults get overwhelmed and sometimes drown in their emotions, then an immature toddler or child having a meltdown is understandable.  It may not be completely acceptable for either.  Both need to learn better responses.   Adults, it is our task to explore and discover the better responses for ourselves and our children.

One common meltdown that children experience is the “after-event” meltdown.   This is the feeling of disappointment and adjustment after a big event such as a holiday, vacation, or a visit to a grandparent’s home.  Adults experience this feeling as the Monday morning back to work blues.  Kids experience this too but may not be able to identify it or understand it.  These types of events are often anticipated with great build up of expectations and enthusiasm.  Whether the expectations are met or not, when it is all over it is all over. 

Some ideas for what to do after an event:

1. Discuss the feelings of the event ending and try to identify them.
2. Discuss the event.  What did you like?  Was there anything you didn’t enjoy?
3. Extend the event by drawing a picture of it or writing a letter to a host or calling someone to talk about it.
4. Talk about the good things you enjoy in day to day living.
5. Talk about the next event.
6. Hug
7. Laugh
8. Take a walk or a run or a bike ride to expend physical energy and get fresh air.
9. Look at photos from the event.   Don’t look just on your little phone screen.  Try casting them onto your big TV screen.

We are all unique.  I love variety and flexibility and my husband thrives with routine. After every vacation he says “it will be good to get back to our normal eating and sleeping schedule.”  Some people are loud when angry and some withdraw and become quiet.  Some need a hug and some need isolation. Study your child.  Ask the Lord to give you insight into their true needs and how best you can guide, direct, and nurture them.  

It is almost Christmas and that means Dec. 26^th (the after-event) is coming.  Prepare for both. 

To Santa or Not

Do you remember the day you discovered Santa was a fantasy?  How did you feel?  I remember a conversation about Santa which I had at the bus stop in 8^th grade.  No, that was not when I learned that Santa was my parents.   I learned that at age five when my seven-year-old sister showed me where all the presents were hidden.  Our game switched then from make believe about Santa to searching every year for the newest present hiding place.  But that bus stop conversation still rings in my ears.

We were discussing honesty when Matthew asked me if I thought my parents were honest.  I responded in the affirmative.  He declared they were liars.  I fiercely defended them. He then proceeded to tell me he could prove they were liars.  Did they tell me Santa was real?  They had.  Did he prove his point?  It ended the conversation, but I still remember it.  And I remembered it when I became a parent. 

Recently a business acquaintance casually told me she has instructed her fifteen- year-old son, to keep the Santa secret with his ten-year-old brother.  I fail to understand this thinking.  Surely, she is mistaken to believe her younger son still believes.   Of course, there is a continual flood of songs, books and movies which reinforce the myth.  

I understand the fun of make believe.  I encourage imagination, pretend, play, and dress up.   I have clothing and accessories(props) with which my grandchildren play.  Even the teenage grandkids like to do this.

Perhaps parents need an excuse for giving many presents to their children. Perhaps we wish to keep our children young.  Perhaps without Santa there is no focus or meaning to Christmas.  But there is.  We do not have to work at making or keeping Christmas magical or wonderful.  It is miraculous.

Also confusing is the mixed message we send about stranger danger and sitting on the lap of an unknown person at the mall while whispering one’s secret desires.   One of my granddaughters, as a toddler decided no person, not even Santa, should sneak into her house at night.  She barred Santa from her home and wanted nothing to do with him.

Keep Santa if you want, but consider using him as a sidebar and not the focus of Christmas.  Find out who St. Nicholas was and what he did.    Don’t try to make the modern-day image of Santa Claus into a reality.  Be honest with your kids.  The distinction between reality and make believe is already confusing.     

It is beneficial to occasionally question or examine why we do the things we do.  I love traditions, but they should result in more joy than stress.  Santa can be stressful.  It is hard to keep the secret.  Don’t let Santa dictate your holiday.  Don’t let Elf on the Shelf dictate your holiday.  Don’t let social media dictate your holiday.  Let go of the pressure to measure up or exceed the images others are posting.   No one posts about the entire Jello on the floor or your toddler’s third melt down of the day.

In the spirit of the Magi who gave gifts to the newborn Savior give gifts to each other.  Reflect on your heart and then from your heart celebrate.  Spread peace and joy this Christmas.

How to Party

It is party season.  Do you know how to party?  Some collegiates think partying  is a required course.  I am thinking more along the lines of family and children’s celebrations.   The time between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day is a busy party season.  There are always a few graduations to attend.  These might include high school, middle school, college and even kindergarten or preschool.   Milestones are fun to celebrate.

My own wedding fell in that time period.  So did the weddings of three of my children and the birthdays of three (not the same three) of my children, plus mine.  Oh, my!

Anytime there is a party to host or to attend there are some things we need to know and practice.  Like most skills we improve with practice, which means we might be fairly awful at the start. In other words, your children might be awful at party behavior. They probably need to be reminded of some or all of their party skills prior to every party and maybe privately and gently during the party, also.

Try to be patient with them.  Here are a few party skills to practice.

As a guest:

1. This means please respond.  Say yes I will be attending or give your regrets. Don’t leave them guessing. Do this in a timely manner.  Not the day before.
2. Take an appropriate gift.
3. Be happy for the guest of honor and express it.
4. During gift opening be engaging but not overwhelming. Don’t crowd them.
5. Accept offered food and drink, but use some restraint and don’t pig out. This is not your opportunity to have a meal of only chips and cupcakes.
6. Say thanks to the host(s).
7. If you have a close relationship with the host then offer to assist with preparations, food, or clean up.

As a host:

1. Invitations (written or oral) should go out 3-6 weeks in advance.
2. Make sure your home is clean enough that guest will feel welcome and comfortable. Perfection is not required.
3. Greet your guests and focus on them.
4. Make sure guest know how to find the food, bathrooms, and activities.
5. While opening gifts be thankful. Do not express disappointment, dissatisfaction, or criticism. All gifts costs time and/or money and the gesture should be appreciated.
6. Interact with all guests of all ages, not just your favorites.
7. Thank each one for attending. Say goodbye as they depart.
8. Written thank you notes are becoming as extinct as dinosaurs, typewriters, and landlines, but are lovely to receive. I encourage you to do this even if it takes you months.

Like anything we think is important enough to practice, these party skills will become easier and make every party better.  Parties occur frequently.  With practice your child could be the favorite party guest or host.   Keep Calm. . .  and Party On.

Me, #2 son, and daughter all graduated from the same ollege on the same day