To Santa or Not

Do you remember the day you discovered Santa was a fantasy?  How did you feel?  I remember a conversation about Santa which I had at the bus stop in 8^th grade.  No, that was not when I learned that Santa was my parents.   I learned that at age five when my seven-year-old sister showed me where all the presents were hidden.  Our game switched then from make believe about Santa to searching every year for the newest present hiding place.  But that bus stop conversation still rings in my ears.

We were discussing honesty when Matthew asked me if I thought my parents were honest.  I responded in the affirmative.  He declared they were liars.  I fiercely defended them. He then proceeded to tell me he could prove they were liars.  Did they tell me Santa was real?  They had.  Did he prove his point?  It ended the conversation, but I still remember it.  And I remembered it when I became a parent. 

Recently a business acquaintance casually told me she has instructed her fifteen- year-old son, to keep the Santa secret with his ten-year-old brother.  I fail to understand this thinking.  Surely, she is mistaken to believe her younger son still believes.   Of course, there is a continual flood of songs, books and movies which reinforce the myth.  

I understand the fun of make believe.  I encourage imagination, pretend, play, and dress up.   I have clothing and accessories(props) with which my grandchildren play.  Even the teenage grandkids like to do this.

Perhaps parents need an excuse for giving many presents to their children. Perhaps we wish to keep our children young.  Perhaps without Santa there is no focus or meaning to Christmas.  But there is.  We do not have to work at making or keeping Christmas magical or wonderful.  It is miraculous.

Also confusing is the mixed message we send about stranger danger and sitting on the lap of an unknown person at the mall while whispering one’s secret desires.   One of my granddaughters, as a toddler decided no person, not even Santa, should sneak into her house at night.  She barred Santa from her home and wanted nothing to do with him.

Keep Santa if you want, but consider using him as a sidebar and not the focus of Christmas.  Find out who St. Nicholas was and what he did.    Don’t try to make the modern-day image of Santa Claus into a reality.  Be honest with your kids.  The distinction between reality and make believe is already confusing.     

It is beneficial to occasionally question or examine why we do the things we do.  I love traditions, but they should result in more joy than stress.  Santa can be stressful.  It is hard to keep the secret.  Don’t let Santa dictate your holiday.  Don’t let Elf on the Shelf dictate your holiday.  Don’t let social media dictate your holiday.  Let go of the pressure to measure up or exceed the images others are posting.   No one posts about the entire Jello on the floor or your toddler’s third melt down of the day.

In the spirit of the Magi who gave gifts to the newborn Savior give gifts to each other.  Reflect on your heart and then from your heart celebrate.  Spread peace and joy this Christmas.

Covid 19 Parenting Challenges

She was shopping with her baby In a typically friendly midwestern town when an elderly man approached, gave a greeting and a word of congratulations.  This seemingly simple act was quite surprising.  It was an oddity.  Previously it was the standard.  Why has it become odd?  Why has the standard changed?   Covid-19. 

Congratulations are typically spoken to parents of a newborn. This baby was already 7 months old, but has seldom been in public places.  This was the first time a stranger had said congratulations to the mother.  It was five or six months later than the usual timeframe for congratulations.  Perhaps the gentleman was being a non-conformist, bucking against the non-kid-friendly culture.  Perhaps he has not been in public much either.

Sadly, our current culture has become an unfriendly place for children. Some fear the children as being disease carriers.  Some adults wearing masks themselves stare with angry eyes at children, toddlers and babies who aren’t wearing masks or their parents or both. Some businesses have banned children.  

St. Louis, MO

Many places families frequented prior to COVID were closed or been altered. Playgrounds have been off limits with caution tape wrapped around the slides and swings and play areas.  Libraries closed.  Park district classes and community events are canceled. Churches, too, have closed their nurseries and canceled children’s programing.  Vacation Bible School was either virtual or nonexistent. 

Many grandparents have stayed away during some or all of the Covid-19 threat. This separation is not healthy socially and emotionally for children, parents or grandparents.  No matter what choices or decisions are made about how to manage this pandemic health crisis, there are people ready to criticize you.  Talk with your parents and grandparents about their comfort level and allow them to set the pace for interaction with your children.  Help them to allow their love to overrule their fears.

Parenting is a tough job from which there is no time off; or even sick leave.  Plus children are incredibly selfish and childish.  But, you can teach them to be patient and not demanding.  You can teach them to give grace to a frightened culture. You can teach them to be loving and accepting to all people even the ones who are different. You can show them maturity with your example of consideration and thoughtfulness. You can model self-control and repay meanness with kindness. You can be an example of letting go of hurt and overlooking an offence.  You can instruct them, just as Jesus did with his 12 imperfect, stubborn, prejudiced disciples, to love the Lord God and to love their neighbors as themselves.

Pandemic Ponderings

I want to share a few thoughts on our current crisis. Focus is challenging. Sorting through all the information is challenging.  Communities, states, and nations are fearful and stressed.  Your household is under strain.  Your workplace and your children’s schools are closing and making changes.  Your calendar has been changed.   I wish to impart some hope.

First, God is still God, almighty, all-knowing, merciful and loving. This crisis is not a surprise to Him.  I don’t know why he has allowed it.  I know He will never abandon us or forsake us.  As we trust and lean on Him, He will help us. This crisis is just one more thing we do not need to do on our own.

Second, this too shall pass. Anytime I have to face a painful situation, I remind myself that it has an ending and God will help me through it.  Actually, it won’t be long and I will already be looking back on it. Time is like water we can’t hold it in our hands.  Think back to a recent anticipated big event you planned for and waited and waited for it to arrive. It did. How far back was it?  Funny how time keeps marching.   Some day we will also look back on Covid-19.  What stories will you be telling about how you went through it?

Third, embrace the challenges as a family.  Discuss the situation with your children.  Allow them to express their fears and questions.  If your social calendar has just been cleared and your children are suddenly on extended (indefinite) spring break, then you have been given a rare opportunity for family time.  Use the time well.  Brainstorm together for ideas of together activities such as: a big puzzle, read books aloud, repeating favorite movies, outside yard time, plan/plant a garden, cooking together, board games, shared electronic games, letter writing, phone calls to neighbors and friends.  Also plan 30-60 minutes of quiet, alone time for everyone every day.

Last, the human spirit is resilient. Troubles also present opportunities.  We will invent and create ideas and things as a result of this crisis.  Your family will discover ways to cope and economize (perhaps out of necessity).

Be loving and patient with each other.  Spread hope.

Parent & Adult Child Conflict

What can a parent do when their adult child makes a choice or decision with which they disagree, even strongly disagree?  How about whole-heartedly oppose? The short answer is: Nothing.  The longer answer requires a story.

Before I tell the story, I want to always encourage you to frequently and repeatedly communicate love, support, and acceptance to all your children of all ages.  This does not mean a parent will always agree with their child’s choices and decisions. 

As a child grows and matures, they need to make more and more choices and decisions for themselves.  A young child needs limitations and guidance.  A parent may offer a 3-year-old child two outfits from which to choose to wear for the day.  An older child should be able to choose from within their wardrobe with consideration to the weather and occasion. Making little decisions allows use of personal preferences and leads to the ability to make bigger decisions.

As our children age, we relinquish more and more daily control. As our children age, we grant more and more freedom to them.  We must keep our goal of raising independent adults ever in our mind.  Giving up control over our children is not easy. Some children grab for that independence and freedom and others are reluctant and need urging.

When we strongly disagree with our adult children we can discuss, disagree, argue, cry, plead, beg, or manipulate.  I am guilty of all of these. It all failed.  I tried it all last spring for many weeks when my youngest son informed us that he planned to change his last name.  It is not immoral.  It is not illegal.  It is not unsafe.

I thought it unwise. He would have legal and life-long consequences.  I could not understand.  He and his fianceé who married in May 2019 would both be taking each other’s last names creating a new hyphenated name.  They saw this as embracing and honoring both families.  It felt dishonoring to us.

When I make a decision or a choice, I think my parents or someone else will disagree with, I usually just don’t tell them about it.  I choose the peaceful (cowardly) way.  But some choices cannot be kept to ourselves.  Some decisions will be known to all.

After all my attempts failed to talk him/them out of this choice, I turned to praying for them. I asked God to change their minds.  Prayer is actually my best parental tool.  As is often the case when we pray for someone, God changed my mind and attitude about them.  Here is what I believe God gently said in my mind to me: “You have not asked me what I think about them doing this.  I have called them ‘My Child’, because that is their name.”

I have learned not to argue with God.  He is always correct.  I was corrected. I had to let go.  I could not control them.  I could love them.  I could choose to live in a relationship with them.  When relatives have questioned me about their decision, I have shared this story.  It is their decision.  I love my kids.

Parenting Insecurities

In your parenting role, about what do you feel insecure?  Whether you planned to have children or it just happened, the insecurities begin while they are still in utero.   It starts with unanswerable questions and a lack of experience.  We don’t even know how we will handle labor and delivery, much less nurturing a child for the next eighteen plus years.

Many of us entered parenting with strong convictions of what we will do like our parents did and other things we will not do as our parents did.   After all, “we are much smarter than our parents were at our age.  We have lived and learned through their mistakes.”  ….I wonder how many generations of humanity have thought this.  Maybe, every generation has.

I recall telling my parents, as a seventeen year old, that I thought they had been good parents. But there was one area which I wish they had done a bit differently.   I told them I wished they had given me more information about male and female anatomy and sex.    At 11 years old, after the topic was introduced to all the 6^th grade girls (only girls) by the school nurse, I was given the basic information a girl needed to enter puberty.   My mother told me more than her mother had told her.

As I look back on this setting, I am rather ashamed (insecure) by my teenage boldness and audacity.  My comments to them were unnecessary and unhelpful.    The irony of this situation is that plus twenty years later, I did sadly better with my own daughter.

 Also, I look back with wiser perspective at my own parents and am amazed at the extraordinary job they did at parenting and juggling two full time careers.  My mom chose to work the third shift so that either she or my dad were always at home with us.  They were incredibly sacrificial parents.  I wonder when she slept.

Parents continually make sacrifices of which their children have no knowledge.  Nor do they have any understanding.   It is not until we are parents ourselves that we can fully appreciate our own parents.

As parents we probably will have one or more of our teenage/adult children boldly proclaim or gently describe what a mess or a mistake we made while parenting them.   Even after our children are grown such a confrontation adds to our insecurities.  They may describe how badly we managed some situation.   Of course they are looking back on it and don’t have full knowledge of all that was involved.  We too, can examine the setting with hindsight and perhaps decide a different action should have been taken.

When our children are critical of our parenting, it often is really more about them and whatever they are dealing with than it is about us personally or our parenting.  But we project onto others what we cannot resonate within ourselves.

Just as we made parenting decisions based on the knowledge and experience we had at the time, some day they will do the same.   Then they will have a new perspective on our decisions.

Every stage of parenting has its challenges and we may not feel confident in our ability to handle those challenges.    About the time when we do figure things out and implement our strategies, the needs change.   In addition to this, every child is an individual and has different needs and a different temperament.    I have frequently heard my parents say a stern word was sufficient to change my sister’s behavior, but I usually needed a spanking to receive the message (another area where parenting has changed).

If you feel anxious or apprehensive (insecure) about parenting issues, then start by praying about it. Pray for yourself, the need and your child. Keep praying until it is resolved.

You may discover your own parents to be quite insightful and pleased to be consulted about parenting. Other parents can be empathetic and might share a creative strategy that effectively helped them.   Parenting books, blogs, podcasts, and even radio programs can be helpful.     My parenting was heavily influenced by the Focus on the Family radio program.   It was always encouraging, inspiring, and challenging.

The best thing you can do for your children is love your spouse.  Strengthening your marriage and making it a higher priority than your children, gives them a secure home where love is demonstrated and expressed.                                                                               (see my post:   dianesergeant.wordpress.com/2015/03/27/guarding-marriage/)

No one is a perfect parent.   No doubt you won’t be perfect either.  You don’t have to be.  Just be loving, patient, kind, selfless, gentle, persistent, understanding, wise, . . . . . . .and when you’re insecure, ask the Lord to help you.

I Procrastinate

Confession Time. Here is my hidden secret.  I am a closet procrastinator.  Because, in general, I am a well- organized person and productive I can hide my procrastination. But there are many things/tasks that I put off, delay, or postpone.  Of course, I would rather talk about someone else’s struggles than my own.  Yet, I think I must examine why I procrastinate and what I can do about it.

Why do I procrastinate?  Sometimes I just don’t want to do it. If it was a request from someone else and I had an option, then I should have said NO up front.  Saying NO can be difficult because I don’t like to disappoint people.   Sometimes I am just uncomfortable with the task.  I actually hate making phone calls to ask others to do stuff, or even to make appointments.

Sometimes I am afraid.  I am afraid that I will fail or even do a poor job.  It is a fear of how others will react or maybe even reject me.   Sometimes I delay because I don’t know where to start or I need an idea but don’t have one.

I can even procrastinate at writing, which I love and do all the time.  I have written daily in a journal since 1984 but there are days I don’t want to do it. I also write Bible study lessons, communion meditations, sermons, and this blog.  I write a lot.  Yet I often postpone working on one of these by addressing a smaller or easier assignment.

Some of my children are proficient at procrastination.  I can commiserate with them. It is much easier to point out their struggles than to admit my own. I have failed at helping them get a handle on their struggle with procrastination.   I have learned that encouragement is more effective than nagging.  Nagging shuts down communication and builds up defiance.

 

The following are some things that help me with procrastination:

1. It is okay to just say, “No thanks”.
2. A feared outcome is seldom as bad as expected.
3. Finishing a task/project feels SO GOOD.
4. Provide a reward as incentive for completion.
5. Or maybe rewards for steps towards completion (frequently used).
6. Make lists for daily, weekly and monthly goals (I love checking them off).
7. Prioritize tasks and set deadlines.
8. Pressure and stress melt when tasks are completed.
9. Just start somewhere. Make some progress.  Any progress.
10. Tackle the hard tasks first or early in the day to get it over.
11. Remember what I have accomplished in the past and that I am capable.

I believe that these can be useful tools for teens and children. If you see procrastination in your children, I hope these tools can sideline a lifestyle of procrastination.

 

“You never know how courageous you can be until you face your fears.”

Kids in Pain

Kids experience pain.  It can be emotional pain, physical pain from illness or injury, mental or relational, and it is often all mixed together.  Being a long-term chronic (30+ years) migraine sufferer, I have learned a few things about pain.  As a parent, I stumbled upon some insight for helping kids with their pain.

My very active children were frequently involved in physical feats which sometimes resulted in breaks, bruises, stitches and even an occasional regret. There was lots of physical pain.  I wrote more about this in “Breaks, Stitches and Concussions”   https://dianesergeant.wordpress.com/2015/06/04/breaks-stitches-and-concussions

Any time a child is in pain their parent has a wonderful opportunity to express compassion, mercy and care.  If it is a relational issue, then the parent should gently enquire about the nature of the issue and help the child determine if there are things for which he or she is personally responsible and should address.  Then help the child to be brave enough and courageous enough to do so.  Some relationships are worth the effort and some are not.

Our youngest son had a “friend” in the neighborhood with whom he tried to play and develop a friendship.   Effort after effort was made.  They wanted to get together.  So we mom’s made the arrangements, but their time together was not fun.   They could never agree on what to do.  Each wanted to be the boss of the other.  They would not take turns leading or following. They were equally at fault.  It was not a friendship worth keeping.

Our eldest son experienced relationship loss over and over.  Between age 7 and 12, he had three best friends each move hundreds of mile away.  Each was devastating.   Each of these losses was completely beyond his control.  Each of these losses was very painful.

One of our sons was absolutely appalled at the sight of himself when he had chicken pox.  It was more disturbing to him than the discomfort.  He was ten years old at the time.  He required much comforting.

The entrance to adolescence opens a Pandora’s Box of emotions.  As a mom, I was not ready for this, as it hit earlier than I expected.  Also my adolescent experience was limited to the female gender and I had no idea what to expect with those male aliens in my house.

Here are some of the lessons I learned through various pain issues with my children:

1. Acknowledge the pain is real and don’t minimize it – be merciful
2. At the same time, help them understand that this is not a new permanent existence- give hope
3. Help them get a grasp on the enormity of (or more realistically the lack there of ) the issue- be realistic
4. Adolescents excel at exaggeration and blowing things out of proportion – be genuine
5. Discern how much comfort or how much prodding is needed in each situation – be truthful
6. Considering the child’s nature, be available to talk and listen as much or a little as is needed- be accessible
7. Some children want to converse late at night, some in the early morning and some all day. (we had them all) – be kind
8. Some children will want to vent/talk at the time of the incident and others will wait and wait and wait before they are ready. – be patient
9. Share your own similar experience, how it affected you and what you did that was successful or failed – give empathy
10. Don’t be afraid to admit you don’t know the answers. Perhaps together an answer can be found. Be willing to pray with your child for the answer – be vulnerable

 

I once asked the Lord, why He would give me such a sensitive child, when He knew I was not a sensitive person.   The answer He gently dropped into my heart was, “That’s why you need him. “