The Meltdown

It had been a rough day.  There had been a few disappointments.  Behavior was not typical and then he snapped.  He started yelling and then crying.   Okay, I’ll be honest it was not just the child misbehaving.  It was me. I was so frustrated and so stressed.

I’ll bet everyone can relate.  Everyone has a tipping point where their behavior crosses from acceptable to unacceptable.  If adults get overwhelmed and sometimes drown in their emotions, then an immature toddler or child having a meltdown is understandable.  It may not be completely acceptable for either.  Both need to learn better responses.   Adults, it is our task to explore and discover the better responses for ourselves and our children.

One common meltdown that children experience is the “after-event” meltdown.   This is the feeling of disappointment and adjustment after a big event such as a holiday, vacation, or a visit to a grandparent’s home.  Adults experience this feeling as the Monday morning back to work blues.  Kids experience this too but may not be able to identify it or understand it.  These types of events are often anticipated with great build up of expectations and enthusiasm.  Whether the expectations are met or not, when it is all over it is all over. 

Some ideas for what to do after an event:

1. Discuss the feelings of the event ending and try to identify them.
2. Discuss the event.  What did you like?  Was there anything you didn’t enjoy?
3. Extend the event by drawing a picture of it or writing a letter to a host or calling someone to talk about it.
4. Talk about the good things you enjoy in day to day living.
5. Talk about the next event.
6. Hug
7. Laugh
8. Take a walk or a run or a bike ride to expend physical energy and get fresh air.
9. Look at photos from the event.   Don’t look just on your little phone screen.  Try casting them onto your big TV screen.

We are all unique.  I love variety and flexibility and my husband thrives with routine. After every vacation he says “it will be good to get back to our normal eating and sleeping schedule.”  Some people are loud when angry and some withdraw and become quiet.  Some need a hug and some need isolation. Study your child.  Ask the Lord to give you insight into their true needs and how best you can guide, direct, and nurture them.  

It is almost Christmas and that means Dec. 26^th (the after-event) is coming.  Prepare for both. 

To Santa or Not

Do you remember the day you discovered Santa was a fantasy?  How did you feel?  I remember a conversation about Santa which I had at the bus stop in 8^th grade.  No, that was not when I learned that Santa was my parents.   I learned that at age five when my seven-year-old sister showed me where all the presents were hidden.  Our game switched then from make believe about Santa to searching every year for the newest present hiding place.  But that bus stop conversation still rings in my ears.

We were discussing honesty when Matthew asked me if I thought my parents were honest.  I responded in the affirmative.  He declared they were liars.  I fiercely defended them. He then proceeded to tell me he could prove they were liars.  Did they tell me Santa was real?  They had.  Did he prove his point?  It ended the conversation, but I still remember it.  And I remembered it when I became a parent. 

Recently a business acquaintance casually told me she has instructed her fifteen- year-old son, to keep the Santa secret with his ten-year-old brother.  I fail to understand this thinking.  Surely, she is mistaken to believe her younger son still believes.   Of course, there is a continual flood of songs, books and movies which reinforce the myth.  

I understand the fun of make believe.  I encourage imagination, pretend, play, and dress up.   I have clothing and accessories(props) with which my grandchildren play.  Even the teenage grandkids like to do this.

Perhaps parents need an excuse for giving many presents to their children. Perhaps we wish to keep our children young.  Perhaps without Santa there is no focus or meaning to Christmas.  But there is.  We do not have to work at making or keeping Christmas magical or wonderful.  It is miraculous.

Also confusing is the mixed message we send about stranger danger and sitting on the lap of an unknown person at the mall while whispering one’s secret desires.   One of my granddaughters, as a toddler decided no person, not even Santa, should sneak into her house at night.  She barred Santa from her home and wanted nothing to do with him.

Keep Santa if you want, but consider using him as a sidebar and not the focus of Christmas.  Find out who St. Nicholas was and what he did.    Don’t try to make the modern-day image of Santa Claus into a reality.  Be honest with your kids.  The distinction between reality and make believe is already confusing.     

It is beneficial to occasionally question or examine why we do the things we do.  I love traditions, but they should result in more joy than stress.  Santa can be stressful.  It is hard to keep the secret.  Don’t let Santa dictate your holiday.  Don’t let Elf on the Shelf dictate your holiday.  Don’t let social media dictate your holiday.  Let go of the pressure to measure up or exceed the images others are posting.   No one posts about the entire Jello on the floor or your toddler’s third melt down of the day.

In the spirit of the Magi who gave gifts to the newborn Savior give gifts to each other.  Reflect on your heart and then from your heart celebrate.  Spread peace and joy this Christmas.

Parent & Adult Child Conflict

What can a parent do when their adult child makes a choice or decision with which they disagree, even strongly disagree?  How about whole-heartedly oppose? The short answer is: Nothing.  The longer answer requires a story.

Before I tell the story, I want to always encourage you to frequently and repeatedly communicate love, support, and acceptance to all your children of all ages.  This does not mean a parent will always agree with their child’s choices and decisions. 

As a child grows and matures, they need to make more and more choices and decisions for themselves.  A young child needs limitations and guidance.  A parent may offer a 3-year-old child two outfits from which to choose to wear for the day.  An older child should be able to choose from within their wardrobe with consideration to the weather and occasion. Making little decisions allows use of personal preferences and leads to the ability to make bigger decisions.

As our children age, we relinquish more and more daily control. As our children age, we grant more and more freedom to them.  We must keep our goal of raising independent adults ever in our mind.  Giving up control over our children is not easy. Some children grab for that independence and freedom and others are reluctant and need urging.

When we strongly disagree with our adult children we can discuss, disagree, argue, cry, plead, beg, or manipulate.  I am guilty of all of these. It all failed.  I tried it all last spring for many weeks when my youngest son informed us that he planned to change his last name.  It is not immoral.  It is not illegal.  It is not unsafe.

I thought it unwise. He would have legal and life-long consequences.  I could not understand.  He and his fianceé who married in May 2019 would both be taking each other’s last names creating a new hyphenated name.  They saw this as embracing and honoring both families.  It felt dishonoring to us.

When I make a decision or a choice, I think my parents or someone else will disagree with, I usually just don’t tell them about it.  I choose the peaceful (cowardly) way.  But some choices cannot be kept to ourselves.  Some decisions will be known to all.

After all my attempts failed to talk him/them out of this choice, I turned to praying for them. I asked God to change their minds.  Prayer is actually my best parental tool.  As is often the case when we pray for someone, God changed my mind and attitude about them.  Here is what I believe God gently said in my mind to me: “You have not asked me what I think about them doing this.  I have called them ‘My Child’, because that is their name.”

I have learned not to argue with God.  He is always correct.  I was corrected. I had to let go.  I could not control them.  I could love them.  I could choose to live in a relationship with them.  When relatives have questioned me about their decision, I have shared this story.  It is their decision.  I love my kids.

Adjustments

Last Spring my husband and I moved to a new house in a new town in a different part of our state.  I have lived in Illinois my entire life starting in Chicago, then the western suburbs.  Nine years ago we moved to the middle of the state to a city of 75,000 people.  That was quite an adjustment.

People in Chicago consider all Illinois territory south of Interstate 80 to be southern Illinois. People in central Illinois do not view themselves as being in southern Illinois.  Perspective can be very interesting.   Now we truly live in southern Illinois in a town with a population of only 17,500.  When we moved to central Illinois our youngest child was in high school and he moved with us.  He didn’t make this move with us.   He and his bride are living several states away from us.

I feel we are still adjusting to our new small town.  Less traffic is awesome.  But we are further away from 4 of our 5 children.  Actually two of our tribe have made out of state moves since we moved. We have three Dairy Queens and two McDonald’s in this town but only one Aldi, one Kroger and one Walmart.  There is one movie theatre and the mall has been closed.  During the summer the public pool was closed on Mondays and Tuesdays.  The other days of the week it was open from 1-4 p.m.  It was not crowded and it had a fun water slide.  My grandsons loved it.

We do not yet have a new doctor or dentist. We have found a new church to attend and in which to be involved. It is only 3 miles from our front door. This church is on the “edge” of town and we are “in the country”. Therefore every time we leave home and head “into town” we keep our eyes on the prowl for deer. Since the beans and corn fields have all been harvested it is easier to spot them.

To be near my aging parents was our reason for this move.  They have increasing health needs and so do we.  They have been extremely happy about our arrival and helpful in many ways.  Even though we chose to make this move and are glad we have done so it has been an adjustment.  Because they have lived here for nearly 30 years this is a community with which we were already familiar.  We have entered another season of life.  This also is an adjustment. 

Life is full of seasons and adjustments. Some we make willingly and with much anticipation and excitement.  Others are thrust upon us whether or not we feel prepared or desire the change.  We are all continually changing and adapting.  Some of us see this as a thrilling adventure and some see it as frightening.  Each of your children has their own view as well.   If you are making changes, such as a move or perhaps adding a new member to the family, remember that adjusting can be a struggle not only for you but also for your children. 

Be patient with each other.  Often when a small event causes a big break down other things need to be addressed besides the small event.   Sometimes stopping all the activity is needed to decompress.  Here are just a few ideas to assist with stress:  be alone, be with someone, go outside, take a walk or a bike ride, sit on a swing, be quiet, listen to favorite music, cuddle, take a break from the task but with a plan to return to it, talk about it, ask for another perspective, and reconsider.

Just as climate seasons come and go so do life seasons.  Each season has an ending to be followed by a new season.  If one takes a moment to reflect on the many seasons they have experienced, then one will begin to understand the speed of life. Try to enjoy each season.

Music Around Town

Right now in my head is a little jingle.  If I share a few words with you, it may get stuck in your head too.  “Wayfair, just what . . . .”    I bet you can finish it.  And if you ever lived in Chicagoland, as I did for most of my life, you know the phone number for Empire Carpeting, too..  It starts 5-8-8. . . . .

Everyday music is all around us. It may be in the background of a movie, a video game, or a commercial.  It serves a purpose there.  It may include vocals or just be instrumental. 

Music is an emotional language and as we connect with it, it can help us therapeutically identify and manage our own emotions.   It can soothe a troubled heart.  It can remind us of times past.  It can summon memories and feelings.

There are many places around town where we can interact with music for free, or at a minimal or reasonable cost.  I wish to point out a few, all of which can be appropriate for children. 

1. Electronically at home.  Radios, CD’s, iPods, Alexa and Google provide easy access to any style of music or artist.  In December I asked Alexa to play various genres of Christmas music such as country, Christian and oldies.
2. The local library. Many genres of music CD’s can be borrowed.
3. At church.  Worship services usually involve music to be listened to and with which to engage vocally.
4. Park concerts.   Often bands, various style groups, and even local orchestras will perform in parks.
5. Community Festivals.  These may have a specific theme or ethnic flavor.
6. Colleges and universities.  Most schools have an online schedule of students and professional artists offering a wide variety of performances from which to choose.
7. Civic Center or library.  Again look online for a schedule or ask at the front desk.
8. Your own television.  All movies, not just musicals, have music.  Practice listening to the emotion of the music and how it enhances the movie experience.  Learn to identify the climax or scary scene by the music.   The music often prepares the watcher for the scene.
9. In Educational settings.   We learn more easily when information is set to music.  How did you learn the alphabet?   I have also heard jingles for multiplication facts and U.S. presidents. 
10.  Own or borrow small musical instrument to experiment with at home.

Help your children embrace music.  This could lead them to desire learning to play an instrument or study voice.  Maybe they will develop a strong appreciation for musicians and performers.  Perhaps it will just enhance their own conversational skills as people do enjoy talking about their favorite music, style, and performers.  Possibly you and your child will learn to love a music style or venue that you have never before considered.   New worlds can be explored together.

There are many creative artists in every genre.  Some artists fill their songs with lyrics which do not benefit our children or us.  Pay attention to the words and teach your children to be discerning.  The words we listen to do impact us. 

Music Around Town is my fifth blog in my Around Town series. If you missed the others, you may find them in the Around Town category. Thanks for reading and sharing.

Parenting Insecurities

In your parenting role, about what do you feel insecure?  Whether you planned to have children or it just happened, the insecurities begin while they are still in utero.   It starts with unanswerable questions and a lack of experience.  We don’t even know how we will handle labor and delivery, much less nurturing a child for the next eighteen plus years.

Many of us entered parenting with strong convictions of what we will do like our parents did and other things we will not do as our parents did.   After all, “we are much smarter than our parents were at our age.  We have lived and learned through their mistakes.”  ….I wonder how many generations of humanity have thought this.  Maybe, every generation has.

I recall telling my parents, as a seventeen year old, that I thought they had been good parents. But there was one area which I wish they had done a bit differently.   I told them I wished they had given me more information about male and female anatomy and sex.    At 11 years old, after the topic was introduced to all the 6^th grade girls (only girls) by the school nurse, I was given the basic information a girl needed to enter puberty.   My mother told me more than her mother had told her.

As I look back on this setting, I am rather ashamed (insecure) by my teenage boldness and audacity.  My comments to them were unnecessary and unhelpful.    The irony of this situation is that plus twenty years later, I did sadly better with my own daughter.

 Also, I look back with wiser perspective at my own parents and am amazed at the extraordinary job they did at parenting and juggling two full time careers.  My mom chose to work the third shift so that either she or my dad were always at home with us.  They were incredibly sacrificial parents.  I wonder when she slept.

Parents continually make sacrifices of which their children have no knowledge.  Nor do they have any understanding.   It is not until we are parents ourselves that we can fully appreciate our own parents.

As parents we probably will have one or more of our teenage/adult children boldly proclaim or gently describe what a mess or a mistake we made while parenting them.   Even after our children are grown such a confrontation adds to our insecurities.  They may describe how badly we managed some situation.   Of course they are looking back on it and don’t have full knowledge of all that was involved.  We too, can examine the setting with hindsight and perhaps decide a different action should have been taken.

When our children are critical of our parenting, it often is really more about them and whatever they are dealing with than it is about us personally or our parenting.  But we project onto others what we cannot resonate within ourselves.

Just as we made parenting decisions based on the knowledge and experience we had at the time, some day they will do the same.   Then they will have a new perspective on our decisions.

Every stage of parenting has its challenges and we may not feel confident in our ability to handle those challenges.    About the time when we do figure things out and implement our strategies, the needs change.   In addition to this, every child is an individual and has different needs and a different temperament.    I have frequently heard my parents say a stern word was sufficient to change my sister’s behavior, but I usually needed a spanking to receive the message (another area where parenting has changed).

If you feel anxious or apprehensive (insecure) about parenting issues, then start by praying about it. Pray for yourself, the need and your child. Keep praying until it is resolved.

You may discover your own parents to be quite insightful and pleased to be consulted about parenting. Other parents can be empathetic and might share a creative strategy that effectively helped them.   Parenting books, blogs, podcasts, and even radio programs can be helpful.     My parenting was heavily influenced by the Focus on the Family radio program.   It was always encouraging, inspiring, and challenging.

The best thing you can do for your children is love your spouse.  Strengthening your marriage and making it a higher priority than your children, gives them a secure home where love is demonstrated and expressed.                                                                               (see my post:   dianesergeant.wordpress.com/2015/03/27/guarding-marriage/)

No one is a perfect parent.   No doubt you won’t be perfect either.  You don’t have to be.  Just be loving, patient, kind, selfless, gentle, persistent, understanding, wise, . . . . . . .and when you’re insecure, ask the Lord to help you.

I Procrastinate

Confession Time. Here is my hidden secret.  I am a closet procrastinator.  Because, in general, I am a well- organized person and productive I can hide my procrastination. But there are many things/tasks that I put off, delay, or postpone.  Of course, I would rather talk about someone else’s struggles than my own.  Yet, I think I must examine why I procrastinate and what I can do about it.

Why do I procrastinate?  Sometimes I just don’t want to do it. If it was a request from someone else and I had an option, then I should have said NO up front.  Saying NO can be difficult because I don’t like to disappoint people.   Sometimes I am just uncomfortable with the task.  I actually hate making phone calls to ask others to do stuff, or even to make appointments.

Sometimes I am afraid.  I am afraid that I will fail or even do a poor job.  It is a fear of how others will react or maybe even reject me.   Sometimes I delay because I don’t know where to start or I need an idea but don’t have one.

I can even procrastinate at writing, which I love and do all the time.  I have written daily in a journal since 1984 but there are days I don’t want to do it. I also write Bible study lessons, communion meditations, sermons, and this blog.  I write a lot.  Yet I often postpone working on one of these by addressing a smaller or easier assignment.

Some of my children are proficient at procrastination.  I can commiserate with them. It is much easier to point out their struggles than to admit my own. I have failed at helping them get a handle on their struggle with procrastination.   I have learned that encouragement is more effective than nagging.  Nagging shuts down communication and builds up defiance.

 

The following are some things that help me with procrastination:

1. It is okay to just say, “No thanks”.
2. A feared outcome is seldom as bad as expected.
3. Finishing a task/project feels SO GOOD.
4. Provide a reward as incentive for completion.
5. Or maybe rewards for steps towards completion (frequently used).
6. Make lists for daily, weekly and monthly goals (I love checking them off).
7. Prioritize tasks and set deadlines.
8. Pressure and stress melt when tasks are completed.
9. Just start somewhere. Make some progress.  Any progress.
10. Tackle the hard tasks first or early in the day to get it over.
11. Remember what I have accomplished in the past and that I am capable.

I believe that these can be useful tools for teens and children. If you see procrastination in your children, I hope these tools can sideline a lifestyle of procrastination.

 

“You never know how courageous you can be until you face your fears.”